Have you been to Onederland?

So, I visited Onederland. Have you been? Perhaps you live there. The last time I visited Onederland, I was working with a trainer and getting ready to return to work full-time. Unfortunately, once I started back to work, and depression set in, I lost my free pass to get in and I haven't been back to Onederland since. So now, it's a scary place for me. There are a lot of expectations once I get there...expectations that I have placed on myself I guess. Once I get there, I never want to leave...it's where every woman should be...Onederland. I visited a few weeks ago, before life got crazy. I'm sure my pass has expired and I'll have to get a new one.

Onederland. I love the way it rolls off my tongue. As much as I love it, I'm scared of it too...cause if I make it and have to leave I'm so upset. It's almost like I need to be there for a few weeks before I will actually acknowledge that I'm there. And then, I have to work really hard not to sabotage my visit - see I still refer to it as a visit, when in fact, it is where I want to live forever, not just somewhere that I visit. Why is that I wonder. Why do I self sabotage? I know what needs to be done, I can do it and have done it in the past. Then, life happens and I give up. And honestly, it feels like I'm giving up. Take right now for instance. My body is craving...literally craving, a trip to the gym. I can close my eyes and see myself on the treadmill, with my headphones on, 6% incline, 3.5 mph, sweating a little bit. My thighs are burning, my calves are feeling it too. But, I get into the van and drive home instead. And then I feel guilty, so I eat the last of the chocolate chips that I've been hiding from the kids.

The self saboteur in me says it's cause I'm lazy. I'm too lazy to get together food for the kids to take to the gym (food that isn't considered a meal) so that I can go after work. Worst part is, I know that I could get my kids a bag of chips each from the vending machine and they'd be good until we got home...but what kind of mother does that make me? On the other hand, who cares? It's not like they eat that stuff all the time.

The self motivator in me says when I go to the bank for work, I should just stop by the grocery store and pick up some pepperoni and cheese sticks and a couple of oranges. That will keep the kids going until we get home. I'm not lazy. Last night we did 2 Hooked on Phonics Lessons, practiced Dictee for 15 minutes, gave 2 baths, cooked lunches for today (chicken & rice, yum,yum) and blog surfed for 30 minutes. A lazy woman would have let her kids stay dirty and done no homework! In reality, the only person I am accountable to is me. Rather than look at my goal as 50 lbs, I am going to approach it one small step at a time. June's Goal will be 195, safely in Onederland. Once I have reached that goal, I will set another. My daily goal will be to get to the gym and do at least 30 minutes on Elliptical and 15 on the Treadmill. My weekly goal is to get to the gym 2 more times after today. So there you have it, I've got a plan.

And, I've got a new ticker to keep me motivated!

Today is a Special Day.

I have been composing my blogs in Word and then copying them here....but then I don't post very often, so I'm going to try and post directly to my blog, and then updates/stories will be a little more frequent.

Today is a special day for a couple of reasons. First off, it is hubby's birthday. I won't tell you how old he is, just that on the downward slide toward 40. ;) Second, he's on the road today...but it's the last trip of the Spring, so he won't be working so much after today (he called around lunch to say he'd be home about 9pm, he left at 5:30 am so he won't even get the see the kids on his birthday). But, it's the last time, so we can handle it.

Yesterday I took the kids to buy hubby a birthday present while he was at baseball, they were all excited when we got in the van, and for most of the drive. That is, until we passed the gym. The girls thought we were headed to the gym, and boy were they bummed to find out we weren't going there. Imagine...I'm not the only one who misses going to the gym. So, I promised to take them next week (Tuesday is their regular night to go with us). My parent's have agreed to pick up an evening and they'll be taking the kids on Mondays and Thursdays for a little while so we're going to get back into the routine next week.

Things have been crazy busy here, this week brought many appointments (eyes, doctors, dentists) and everyone has received a clean bill of health. Plus, we're moving things around at the office, so a lot of "spring cleaning" going on. At home, our neighbors are having a yard sale and invited everyone to join them. I'm hoping to pull a few things out tonight after the kids are in bed, before hubby gets home. If people are already going to be in the neighborhood with money, I might as well have my stuff out there too.

I'll let you know how it goes.

The Road is Bumpy

Well, it’s been a few weeks since I hit the gym. I am totally out of the groove. I was getting into the groove and then we hit a bump in the road. Actually we hit a few bumps in the road. Let me explain.

There is something you need to know before I go any further here…my husband suffers from depression. It’s not anything that he’s ashamed of; it is what it is. His depression is something that we have been continually dealing with since we were married 7 years ago. He has been medication free for just over 6 months now. All that being said, medication does not cure the problem, only allows you to deal with the symptoms (my opinion anyway). This time of year is especially busy at work for my husband, not only because things are busy but because there is a lot of travel involved from middle of April to middle of June. This travel is usually only scheduled a few days in advance. Totally throws the schedule off…and if you aren’t good at handling stress or change then something like a lot of travel can totally throw a wrench in things. Travel in and of itself isn’t a bad thing…but when you’re driving a 5-tonne full of live animal to their destination and the days are 14 – 16 hours long and start at 5 am (which means he gets up at 3 am and leaves the house at 4am) things get a little rough. So, the hubby’s schedule would be bump in the road number one.

A few weeks back we managed to get the whole family to the gym in time for us adults to have a workout. Of course, things are busy and I left the office to pick up the kids, but forgot their dinner in the fridge at work. It wouldn’t be a big deal, except that I leave work at 5pm to pick up the little one at the sitter, then to pick up the big one at after-school care before 5:30. If everyone is on the ball and we don’t stop to talk to any other parents, we’re at the gym for 5:45 and working out at 6:00. Well, I forgot dinner, so a quick trip through the McDonald’s drive-thru and we were on our way to the gym. Bump in the road number two coming up. There was a new worker in the daycare and she informed us that the kids “aren’t allowed to have meals” at the daycare. Take a minute for that to sink in.

I understand that I was in the wrong for bringing McDonald’s (there were actually other children in the daycare this day, usually we’re the only one’s at dinner time). I queried what a “meal” was and she informed me that there was a list of recommended snacks on the door (we’re talking crackers and cheese etc.). Now, we’ve been going to this daycare for 6 years, and 2-3 times a week now for 5 months and in all that time no one has ever said anything about not having meals there. I’ve brought cut up chicken breast with salad dressing dip, jam sandwiches, muffins, and on Friday’s we always bring Wendy’s for the kids (but we’re ALWAYS the only kids on a Friday night). I was so taken aback that we had never been informed of this rule that we packed the kids to go. She offered for us to have them eat their dinner in the lobby – okay for the big kid who can suck it back, but how do you rush a 3 year old? She’d have been there for days with all the distractions. Nope, I packed the kids up and we went home.

When I queried our regular worker about the rule, she confirmed it, and now that the new girl has written about it in the “communication binder” they are going to have to stick to the rule. So, my jam sandwiches are “iffy” and it will depend on who is working. Excuse my language, but “I don’t have the f*ckin’ time to worry about who is working when I’m packing dinner at 7:30 in the morning!” Ugh! So, my stubborn self has been so put off by them about this issue, so we haven’t gone for a few weeks.

And the final bump is a little more serious. We have been pushing the school to test Daytona for dyslexia. We have a family history of learning disabilities on both sides and if there are any issues we want to “nip them in the bud” so to speak. Well, Daytona was tested. We weren’t given any warning and it turns out they did the test the day after her big exciting trip to Toronto with my mother. The trip where she left her at 4:30 am on Sunday and was up until almost 10pm that night, woke early Monday morning and was on the go until arrival at home by airplane at 11:30 Monday evening. She talked to me until 1 am and then got up at 7 am ready for school. I let her go, but with a note that if she got too tired to call me at work and I would pick her up. I didn’t get a call, but she told me all about how she played some games with a new teacher and how much her head was hurting…her first headache! Skip forward to May 28th and we are now meeting with the Learning Resources teacher, Daytona’s teacher and the Vice Principal. Daytona has tested in the 25th percentile…her scores were low average, with a few very low bringing her down to the 25th percentile.

I was shocked. I was going into the meeting prepared for them to tell me that I was on over concerned parent and that she’s doing fine. She’s in French immersion and is fairly fluent. She’s scoring 4 or 5 out of 5 on all her dictee and she’s writing full sentences in her journal just fine. Lots of reversed letters and numbers though. She loves math and science and is good at it. She can read a simple book once and most times recite it back to you. She’s like a sponge…talk science and she’s out telling everyone what she’s learned. On this test, she failed reading comprehension, did miserable on phonetic awareness and scored in the 1st percentile for simple math. Who did they test because it wasn’t my child!

So after many fights (it’s my fault because I wouldn’t let hubby force her to read her own bedtime stories at night) and the purchase of Hooked on Phonics for Kindergarten (I’m looking for the 1st Grade by the way) we have come to the conclusion that our daughter is a “rusher”. She’s happy to rush through her work and just get it done. She’s not overly concerned with neatness, or correctness, just that it is done. I am in complete denial that the child is as bad off as this assessment indicated. And, I think the Learning Resource teacher was confused as well. She did not recommend taking Daytona out of the French Immersion program (which is what I was worried about). We’re to take a “wait and see” approach. They won’t actually test her for learning disabilities until she is seven years old. So, she’s been flagged at the school and if the Learning Resource teacher has extra time she’ll try to work with Daytona.

At home, we’re doing Hooked on Phonics (HOP) every couple of nights. Daytona loves it. And, she’s flying through the lessons. The hubby and I have agreed (although he’s having some trouble backing off) that we’ll work through the HOP over the summer and get her to at least finish the first grade level, although I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re starting second grade level before the summer is out. We were told that reading skills are transferable between languages, so hopefully this will help with her French as well (although there were no indications that her French is below level).

So, if you’ve managed to read through all of that with me you’ll see why we haven’t made to the gym. On a positive note though, there has been no weight gained. The scale reads the same as it did on the long weekend. That’s awesome. I’m not in it just to lose weight…I’m in it to change my life. We’re hoping that things settle down a bit at home and we’ll be back in the gym next week a couple of time at least. With biking with the kids, and flying kits and setting of Vinegar and Baking soda rockets, we’re still getting cardio when we’re not at the gym. One day at a time…one foot in front of the other.

Jillian Michaels is kicking my a$$!

Well, tonight is the Biggest Loser finale. I can’t wait to see who wins. They’ve all worked so hard. In fact, I don’t think that NBC really gives us, the viewer, the real picture of what is going on. Let’s be realistic…these people are in the gym all day, literally all day! Unless we were to take a leave of absence from life, we could not get the results that these contestants do.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am in no way discounting the hard work that they have done, but I think that the show needs to show more of this…or at least give the viewer an idea of the reality of it. I visited neversaydiet.com which is a website that they promote on the show. The website had exit interviews with the contestants, and one of the questions was something like, what would you like people to know that they don’t see on the show. And you know, just about every answer focused on how much time they actually spend in the gym. Someone even commented that if they had a few calories left to burn for the day they had dance parties. Think about this…if you were trying to lose weight would you spend a few hours dancing in your basement with your friends late at night to burn calories? Perhaps I’m the weird one here, but I can unequivocally say “No!”.

All that being said, Jillian Michael’s is kicking my ass. Yes, you read it right. About 4 weeks ago I bought Jillian’s book Winning at Losing. Great book. Great information. And, I have to say, great workout. The hubby and I did it religiously for 3 full weeks. That means that I have been in the gym every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday evening for 1 hour sweating like I mean it. Then, Saturday morning I do an hour of cardio. Because we have to work out in the evening, we don’t get to the gym until 5:30 and it’s 5:45 before we actually get going. 5 minute warm up, 50 minute routine and 5 minute cool down and it’s 6:45. Monday’s my parents have the kids, so we don’t have to rush as much. But, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday we’ve got both kids in the daycare at the gym. So, by the time they’re packed up and in the car it’s past 7pm. Lucky for me, the kids like to eat “cold dinners” and on Friday’s they always get Wendy’s (they love the baked potato, go figure). So, life has been hectic to say the least.

We were starting to feel a little overwhelmed…cause sometimes you need some time to just relax…and what’s the point of working out so hard just to go home and sit on the couch? Well, my husband got a reprieve…baseball started. So, twice a week from now until the end of August he’ll be playing baseball. Personally, I don’t think it’s a big deal. This is life…not TV. We were not going to be able to keep up the pace forever. I am going to try my best to continue on my own, but I know that once the kids are out of school it will be much harder.

I didn’t say it, so I’m sure you’re wondering…does it work? That is a two part answer I think. Am I building muscle? Absolutely. Am I losing inches? Absolutely. Am I losing weight? Slowly – although I’m sure this has more to do with calories consumed…which I’m experimenting with this week. Am I losing lots of weight fast like it claims? NO. Short and simple…NO. Neither one of us are losing weight rapidly. However, I haven’t been following the program exactly as laid out as far as food is concerned. I will be this week….then we’ll see.

Most important, I think…keep moving!

The Biggest Loser

My 6 year old loves The Biggest Loser. You know, the TV Show. I use it as an opportunity to talk to her about weight issues, self-esteem and self-control. For example, last week, the contestants were given a “temptation”. There were 100 trays out, most with high fat snacks, some with gum and money, and just one with a golden ticket. The golden ticket was the power to have the only vote at that week’s weigh in. While we were watching the ensuing chaos, DD and I chatted about why it was disappointing that they were eating the food on the trays, what it meant in terms of their health, and why we shouldn't do that sort of thing in our every day lives. Once it was all finished and the golden ticket was found, I was happy that they showed the contestants feeling sick to their stomachs and looking a little green. DD and I talked about how a little bit is good, but too much can be bad for us.

So, this week was makeover week. I love this week. As anyone who’s had a weight problem will tell you, you can lose all the weight in the world, but if you don’t change what your mind sees, you’ll most likely gain it all back. I’m sure there is a study out there somewhere proving this. I know that I always see a size 10 girl in my mind, the one with long hair that’s kind of wavy with just the top bits pulled back with a barrette. Anyone who knew me in high school would recognize this image.

Problem is, I’m not a size 10. As long as I don’t look in a mirror I’m fine…my mind is confident in my looks. However, when I try on clothes at the store…somehow they never fit like they do in my mind. I think that I have the opposite problem from most people. I don’t spend hours or even days worrying about how much weight I have to lose. I have a healthy self-concept. The majority of women have a picture in their brain of a woman a few sizes larger than they are...at least I think they do, since I’m not in their head. (This would be a good time to leave me a comment and tell me what you think…when you close your eyes are you bigger or smaller?).

Anyway, it’s no secret that I have about 70 lbs to lose (20 lbs lost since May 2008, 70 to go). So, I’m no skinny mini. I watch The Biggest Loser for motivation…if they can work their butts off at that weight, I should be able to muster up enough energy for an hour on the treadmill! Last night was great. We got the see everyone all made over, makeup on, hair done, fancy clothes etc. They all looked great. It was a welcome change from the gym wear that we see in the in every week on the show. It was especially nice to see the starting photo beside the made over contestants.

So, there I was, crying because Mike and Ron looked so good, and the other son Max started to cry because now he’s the big guy, and he wants to lose weight too. It tugged at my heart strings. When Tara came out, I was just amazed. She has lost over 100 lbs and looks fantastic. DD took that moment to very nicely (with a child’s innocence) say “Mom, you should be on that show!” I cried harder. Sigh.

I could have had a lot of different responses to that one. I could have gotten angry at her for saying something hurtful or I could have chastised her for making a comment about my weight, but I didn’t. I took a deep breath and told that I’m working on it at home. We talked about how I’m going to the gym 5 days a week and we’re not eating out as much as we used to and how we’re all feeling better.

Then she said, “I meant to get a makeover and wear a fancy dress?!” :) God I love that kid!

My name is Danielle and I am an addict

My name is Danielle and I am an addict. I had almost 10 weeks clean….10 WEEKS! But this past week has been so stressful, and I didn’t do all the things I know I should have done to keep myself on track. If I really am being honest, my slip started last week, in anticipation of the stressful week that was to come.

So two weeks ago now, it started like it always does. I say to myself, “I’ll just have a little something to get me through this next situation”, only there is always another situation. I’ve been dabbling in “the soft stuff” for those two weeks. Not every day, but just about. But on Thursday it all came to a head and I took a hit of the hard stuff. I had to make a conscious decision to do it. I actually sat in my van and thought about whether I should or not, and then I put it in drive and I drove. The whole time I was driving to get it, I knew it was wrong. I knew that I was stronger than this, that I could handle anything on my own. But, the devil on my shoulder kept beckoning, telling me it would just be this once, just to get me through today. When I got there, I greedily got the most I could afford. And then I pulled over in the parking lot, at the back, afraid that someone would see me. I held it in my hand, looked at it, felt it, smelled it and still knew it was wrong.

When I took the first hit, it stung the back of my throat…literally. God it felt good. My eyes watered a little and I actually felt myself relax a little. It wasn’t as intense as I remembered, but the feeling was the same. Escape…it made me feel good and in control. By the time I drove a few blocks, I could feel my headache start to disappear, and I thought to myself, “See, that wasn’t so bad for you.” By the time I got to work, it was all gone, but so was my headache. I took a few deep breaths and went into my office. Luckily, I have to walk past everyone, but I’m in the back corner, and no one really bothers with me unless they have a question. I sat at my desk, totally disgusted with what I had just done. 10 weeks of hard work and now I had to start from scratch. And I craved more. I can honestly say that if you had offered me more at that point, I would have taken it. I was still feeling the high. And then my tummy started to ache.

I sat at my desk feeling ashamed and broken. I had let myself down. And I kept thinking about he “if only’s.” You know; “If only I had gone to the gym, I would have felt better today. “ and “If only I had been more prepared” and “If only I had handled that situation better” and so on. But I didn’t, and now I’m here telling you about it.

Let me repeat, my name is Danielle and I am an addict. A food addict. That hit I took was of full strength Coke – all the sugar and calories that McDonald’s was willing to dish out. Are you upset that it’s “just pop”. Don’t be. For almost 6 months last year I lived on Pepsi…literally. I drank up to 2.5 litres a day, and ate very little food. It is what I used to help me cope with the sudden heart surgery my mom faced, and the addition responsibilities at work that came with her retirement, and that of my father very shortly after. I don’t do, and never have done illegal drugs. I don’t drink alcohol, not even socially. But I eat. And I used to drink Pepsi.
I’m proud to say that I have 1 day clean. And I’m looking forward to many more. I hope that you’ll come along for my journey. I don’t expect it to be easy or pretty, but a journey rarely is.