So, this post has been a long time coming. The words have rolled around in my head for months...not sure how to get out. Greiving can be a long and hard process...and sometimes you still grieve even after you think you're done. I think that has been my problem. I'll start at the beginning.
Exactly one year ago today, September 13th, at 6:30pm I received a call from my father. I was holding my then 3 year old daughter. His words were something like this, "Everything is okay, and she's going to be fine, but your mom is in the hospital. It's no big deal." I wasn't concerned at first, he said she was fine. "Your mother's had a heart attack" (I swear it just took me two minutes to type that and I have tears in my eyes). Of course, I said "What?!" and tears filled my eyes. My body physically went weak, and I had to tell my husband "take the baby", and I practically dropped her as I handed her over (she was 3 after all and not a baby). It turns out that my Mom had some chest pain earlier in the day and then her jaw started to hurt. She was short of breath and her chest felt heavy. She recognized the signs right away, and asked my father to quietly take her to the Emergency Department. My brother was living at home at the time, and he thought they were just going out for a walk. By the time they arrived at the Emergency Dept. the pain had subsided and she felt fine again. Of course, they rushed her in and put her on the all the usual machines and ran the usual tests. There was no damage to her heart and everything seemed normal. Just to be sure, the Emergency Room doc (who told my mother, "you won't even be staying the night) called on a locum who is a Cardiologist at his "real" job in Calgary. This guy wasn't with my Mom 10 minutes when he told her "you have the Aortic Valve of a 90 year old" and then things started happening. They were sending her for test after test and she was being admitted.
You have to understand something about my Mom and I. We are so very much alike it hurts, and like any good kid, I try so hard not to be like her because everything I dislike about her is what I dislike about me. On top of that, we sat beside eachother 5 days a week, 8 hours a day at work. I see her 3 - 4 days a week when she's visiting my house and my kids...it would probably have been cheaper if my parents just moved in, but I digress. My mom was such a big part of my life...I saw her and talked to her every single day, about everything.
About an hour after my Father called, I went to the hospital to visit my Mom. Now, I hate hospitals as much as she does, so this was doubly bad because I was visiting my Mom. I brought her a Green Tea. I felt so useless and silly, she'd just had a Heart Attack and I was bringing Green Tea. My brother was there, but quickly left. My dad hung around for a few more minutes too, and then he left. They moved Mom to a "holding area" for people who were waiting for rooms. She looked the same as the last time I saw her, just the night before. We chatted normal chat, about how my Dad was going to be a basket case, and what kinds of things I would have to take care of at work on Monday because she would be off for a few days and silly things like what did the kids do today. And here is where my life changed.
I had to leave.
I have never felt so alone in my life...like things would never, ever be the same...like I was losing something that I couldn't get back...like I didn't have a choice.
I had to walk away and leave my Mom alone in that hospital. I couldn't fix this. I was a good kid, I was strong. I didn't cry. But damn it, I hurt. My whole body hurt. I felt lost.
They kept my Mom in the hospital for 2 weeks and then a week later we flew to Toronto and she had her Aortic Valve replaced. I remember my husband asking me why I had to go. My Dad was going with her. Silly as it sounds now, I needed to be there for my Dad. When they wheeled her away from us and into surgery I chickened out and went the bathroom. I couldn't even look him in the eye...he was bawling. That made me cry. So, we cried. He admitted that it was the first time that he cried about this whole damn situation. I admitted that I cry every time I'm alone...in the van on my way to work...scrapbooking...doing laundry...on my way to pick up my kids...on the airplane on the way down...I had spent the last 3 weeks crying. I was grieving. I had lost my mother, as I knew her, and I knew it.
This post is a long enough, and I'm tired from crying...I'll continue again another day. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Shoes
Can I wear socks with Mary Janes?
You see, I have this dilemma. I'm a bit of a clothes freak. I am very good with colours, and my house is decorated nicely. My children wear matching outfits - until they hit 5 and get a mind of their own, then I let them be the boss of their appearance. I do art, so I'm not a total goober in the matchy matchy department. But, I have this problem with shoes. I like 'em comfy...I like 'em slip on...I like 'em low maintenance.
Who cares about socks with Mary Janes? You see, this year I had a bigger "I'm getting old crisis" than normal and I decided that now that my youngest is 4, I can get some semblance of a life back. What does that mean? First, I need to look the part, you know walk the walk, not just talk the talk. So, what do I walk now...prepare yourself....I wear jeans in dark colours (but only 'cause the blue one's wore out finally and I didn't have a choice), blacks and browns. I have 12, count 'em, 12 fleece sweaters and 8 t-shirts in varying colours, mostly dark ones. My "winter" drawer contains 7 turtlenecks in varying shades of white, cream, black and brown. I have 1 pair of running shoes for summer and 1 pair of slip-on shoes with thinsulate for winter. I did go way out of my comfort zone this spring and bought a pair of rubber boots and I own a requisite pair of Sorel's for winter days. That is my uniform. It kills my mother...she raised me better. LOL! No really, I've heard her say that about my clothes! No kiddin'!
So, back to the walk....I'm thinking I need to take it up a notch. Now, don't go getting all excited 'cause I'm talking about Mary Jane's, that was just a question. I've been contemplating my shopping trip for almost 6 weeks now (now you see why I don't have many new clothes). I have compiled a basic list of what I need to buy to create a new "business casual" me. It includes:
2 pairs of Khaki coloured and type pants - normally found at a place like Northern Reflections or Marks Work Wearhouse - I'm thinking 2 different shades of Khaki, does that sound stupid?
1 pair of Brown Corduroy pants, with the small cord, not that big chunky kind like we wore as kids...although it was soft, but I read somewhere a long time ago that the big chunky cord makes you look heavy and I don't need any help in that department. Except for the making you look chunky part, I like Cords...and I had a really nice chocolate brown pair a while back that I obviously miss.
1 pair of Black pants - not jeans but real pants. I know, I already said I have dark "jeans" but black goes with everything and I figure I can lighten it up on top a bit.
3 turtlenecks, I had to add this 'cause I already bought them. I have one in pink, one in periwinkle and a clean new white one. I have discarded 4 old turtlenecks to make room for the new one's
1 Brown zip up sweater...a real sweater not a fleece. It goes with all my turtlenecks and I already purchased it.
I checked the "too small clothing bag" while I was composing this message and discovered that I have 4 really nice sweaters that fit now that I've shed a few pounds and they are in periwinkles and pinks and purples. Score one for my pocketbook! So, if I add everything together I'm not doing too bad, it just pants and my worst fear....SHOES!
So, back to my original question, can I wear socks with Mary Janes?
I almost bought a pair, you know the kind that look like runners on the bottom but then they have a pattern on the shoe part. I was with my mom and she made some comment about how I couldn't wear socks with them. What the Heck? Bare feet? I'd freeze, plus I hate that "toe cleavage" everyone is showing lately...gawd, put it away already! If you hadn't already picked up from my post that my blood runs a little cold, then let me tell you about it. Today, it was 23 degrees Celsius outside. My office was running a comfy 27 degrees ( I keep one of those desktop temperature guages so I can turn the heat up in the winter time and justify it!). I didn't even open the window...I was good. In fact, it was chilly when I got to work this morning so I had a mug of hot chocolate. I was wearing a t-shirt with a light fleece jacket over top. I should have been melting, but I was comfy...see why I need all those turtlenecks! LOL!
My big problem with shopping is that I buy the pants, but then I don't buy the shoes 'cause I don't know where to start. I have never been a shoe shopper per say, but it has gotten worse since I had kids. I wear my runners with everything including the skort I bought this summer and wore once when the temperature went over 30 degrees. No sandals to speak of in my closet, no flip flops, although I do have a pair of Crocs, but goodness those things are hideous...I wouldn't wear them in public! Gasp! The horror! Did I mention they are powder blue? LOL!
So, back to my post...I buy these great pants but no shoes. So, I feel silly and I don't wear the pants, and it becomes a nasty cycle...no shoes, can't wear pants, wear pants with runners, feel silly, don't wear new pants, put jeans back in the closet. What is a girl to do? Perhaps I need to find a personal shopper to take me shoe shopping...and I don't mean my mother.
Do you know the answer to my question? Can I wear socks with Mary Janes?
You see, I have this dilemma. I'm a bit of a clothes freak. I am very good with colours, and my house is decorated nicely. My children wear matching outfits - until they hit 5 and get a mind of their own, then I let them be the boss of their appearance. I do art, so I'm not a total goober in the matchy matchy department. But, I have this problem with shoes. I like 'em comfy...I like 'em slip on...I like 'em low maintenance.
Who cares about socks with Mary Janes? You see, this year I had a bigger "I'm getting old crisis" than normal and I decided that now that my youngest is 4, I can get some semblance of a life back. What does that mean? First, I need to look the part, you know walk the walk, not just talk the talk. So, what do I walk now...prepare yourself....I wear jeans in dark colours (but only 'cause the blue one's wore out finally and I didn't have a choice), blacks and browns. I have 12, count 'em, 12 fleece sweaters and 8 t-shirts in varying colours, mostly dark ones. My "winter" drawer contains 7 turtlenecks in varying shades of white, cream, black and brown. I have 1 pair of running shoes for summer and 1 pair of slip-on shoes with thinsulate for winter. I did go way out of my comfort zone this spring and bought a pair of rubber boots and I own a requisite pair of Sorel's for winter days. That is my uniform. It kills my mother...she raised me better. LOL! No really, I've heard her say that about my clothes! No kiddin'!
So, back to the walk....I'm thinking I need to take it up a notch. Now, don't go getting all excited 'cause I'm talking about Mary Jane's, that was just a question. I've been contemplating my shopping trip for almost 6 weeks now (now you see why I don't have many new clothes). I have compiled a basic list of what I need to buy to create a new "business casual" me. It includes:
2 pairs of Khaki coloured and type pants - normally found at a place like Northern Reflections or Marks Work Wearhouse - I'm thinking 2 different shades of Khaki, does that sound stupid?
1 pair of Brown Corduroy pants, with the small cord, not that big chunky kind like we wore as kids...although it was soft, but I read somewhere a long time ago that the big chunky cord makes you look heavy and I don't need any help in that department. Except for the making you look chunky part, I like Cords...and I had a really nice chocolate brown pair a while back that I obviously miss.
1 pair of Black pants - not jeans but real pants. I know, I already said I have dark "jeans" but black goes with everything and I figure I can lighten it up on top a bit.
3 turtlenecks, I had to add this 'cause I already bought them. I have one in pink, one in periwinkle and a clean new white one. I have discarded 4 old turtlenecks to make room for the new one's
1 Brown zip up sweater...a real sweater not a fleece. It goes with all my turtlenecks and I already purchased it.
I checked the "too small clothing bag" while I was composing this message and discovered that I have 4 really nice sweaters that fit now that I've shed a few pounds and they are in periwinkles and pinks and purples. Score one for my pocketbook! So, if I add everything together I'm not doing too bad, it just pants and my worst fear....SHOES!
So, back to my original question, can I wear socks with Mary Janes?
I almost bought a pair, you know the kind that look like runners on the bottom but then they have a pattern on the shoe part. I was with my mom and she made some comment about how I couldn't wear socks with them. What the Heck? Bare feet? I'd freeze, plus I hate that "toe cleavage" everyone is showing lately...gawd, put it away already! If you hadn't already picked up from my post that my blood runs a little cold, then let me tell you about it. Today, it was 23 degrees Celsius outside. My office was running a comfy 27 degrees ( I keep one of those desktop temperature guages so I can turn the heat up in the winter time and justify it!). I didn't even open the window...I was good. In fact, it was chilly when I got to work this morning so I had a mug of hot chocolate. I was wearing a t-shirt with a light fleece jacket over top. I should have been melting, but I was comfy...see why I need all those turtlenecks! LOL!
My big problem with shopping is that I buy the pants, but then I don't buy the shoes 'cause I don't know where to start. I have never been a shoe shopper per say, but it has gotten worse since I had kids. I wear my runners with everything including the skort I bought this summer and wore once when the temperature went over 30 degrees. No sandals to speak of in my closet, no flip flops, although I do have a pair of Crocs, but goodness those things are hideous...I wouldn't wear them in public! Gasp! The horror! Did I mention they are powder blue? LOL!
So, back to my post...I buy these great pants but no shoes. So, I feel silly and I don't wear the pants, and it becomes a nasty cycle...no shoes, can't wear pants, wear pants with runners, feel silly, don't wear new pants, put jeans back in the closet. What is a girl to do? Perhaps I need to find a personal shopper to take me shoe shopping...and I don't mean my mother.
Do you know the answer to my question? Can I wear socks with Mary Janes?
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