The Innocence of Children

I was reminded yesterday by my husband of an encounter our then 5 1/2 year old had last summer at the beach.

We don't often go to the beach...I'm a bit of a wuss, and spent the entire time wrapped in a blanket on the grass. And really, "beach" is a bit of an overstatement. It's about 200 feet of shoreline, and most of the summer it's closed by the Health Unit because of the geese...but I digress.

We took the kids to the beach and the little one was happily making sand castles and sticking her feet in the shallow water with Daddy. Daytona, who was 5 1/2 at the time, sought of the companionship of some kids her own age. It's never hard when there is sand and buckets and water involved. For a while, she played on her own, and then a little girl joined her. The girl was tall, slim and had beautiful blond hair. I would say she was probably 7 going on 8. I was about 50 feet away, but could see clearly that this little girl had a disability. Her arms were very short, as if both her upper arm and forearm were about 1/2 the size they would normally be, and her hands were misshapen and twisted. It was obviously a condition that she had been born with. Given that, she played very well and didn't seem to need any special consideration...she moved a bucket and shovel just as good as the rest of the kids. At one point, I saw her and Daytona stand up and chat, and then they were back making their sandcastle and moat. Eventually, Daddy ushered everyone into the water to clean off the sand and Daytona said good-bye to her new friend.

My husband and I discussed how wonderful we thought it was that Daytona played with the girl as though she weren't any different, and how proud we were of her...of course, we did this quietly at the back of the van as we were packing up. We didn't say anything to Daytona. We were about 2-3 minutes into our drive home when Daytona said, "Mom, did you notice anything different about that girl?" I lied, "No." Daytona continued, "She asked me if I noticed anything different about her, and I told her no, because she looked just like me." There was a slight pause and a statement, like the lightbulb had turned on, "Wait a minute, she didn't have any thumbs!"

I'm not sure that my story is able to convey how much my heart expands every time I think of that story. To this day, Daytona only saw that the girl was missing thumbs, and only because she went looking for something to be wrong. Imagine if we all lived like children, assuming that everyone is equal, not looking for the difference.

Hello Wonderland!

First, let me say that I love this ticker thing. My goal seems so attainable when I look at how much I've already lost. Plus, I'm under 50 lbs to go now...yeah me!

So, I've reached Wonderland, and it is a fabulous place. The grass is definitely greener on this side! LOL! I was surprised to see the number on the scale this morning. We've been going a little crazy with the eating on the weekends, so I was worried. But, I went to the gym like I planned and that says a lot.

Speaking of the gym, I was so wanting access to a computer on Saturday. I went to the gym as planned, with kids in tow. Hubby had to work. Kids were settled in the daycare, I had wrestled with my sports bra (who invents these things?), and was on my way up the stairs to the treadmills. All was looking good. Then my ipod dies. Seriously?! I almost turned around and walked out. You see, I don't go to one of these nice gyms. No, I go to the one that has cheap daycare, a big swimming pool and is very family friendly. What it has in family friendliness, it lacks in the workout area. Most of the equipment is ancient (I know, you don't need new equipment to work out, but it helps) and there are 2 tv's that you need an FM receiver in your ipod to hear them...no plug ins on the treadmill here. So, my ipod is my lifeline. I watch the tv and listen to my music. Hopefully someone has turned on the closed captioning and I can at least read what is happening on the TV.

Unfortunately for me on Saturday I was not so lucky. I dragged my butt to the treadmill anyway and got on. 45 minutes later I couldn't believe that I had stuck it out that long. What saved me? 2 guys, one on a bike the other on an elliptical were chatting away, and it was good conversation! They talked about the Stanley Cup and hockey in general, about how one guy knew the Staal family and another knew the Pronger family, they told some hockey stories, talked about how one guy came from Spain years ago and his profession and a short history of his life, they talked about the other guy's job, which is building the new High School in town and some of the innovations they are using to make it a "greener" building. I should have thanked those guys before I left. Who know men could talk for 45 minutes! LOL!

Now, for the serious part of my post today...something is wrong. I can't put my finger on it yet...so I'm hoping that sharing will trigger something for me. First, know up front that I am not the kind of person who complains when ill. Generally I'm a "leave me alone" kind of girl. Lately though, things have been off. I've had 3 migraines in the last 6 weeks...strange because I haven't had a migraine since I was 9 years old - I suffered as a child but when Puberty hit it passed. I am exhausted. Not just tired, but to the point where there are dark circles under my eyes in the mornings. And on Saturday I laid down after the hubby got home from work and slept for 2 hours...anyone who knows me know I don't nap, ever. Not even when the kids were smaller.

At first I thought it was allergies, but my nose isn't running, it isn't itchy etc. I'm tired like as I write this I have to keep blinking to re-focus my eyes. Most mornings I wake with a headache. That in itself is strange. If it feels like it is going to get bad, I'll throw back some Motrin, but generally it is gone by 10am. If it isn't, I attack it so that it won't turn into a migraine.

Another strange thing is that I've been having the weirdest dreams. Ever since we bought the new van (last August) I've been having trouble parking it. It's a Pontiac Montana...find one on the street and look at it....it's got a truck front end. Higher on the corners etc. Anyway, I can't park the darned thing...I have no real sense of where my front end is and I'm always afraid I'm going to hit the car in front of me. Anyway, I've been dreaming at night about parking. Last night, I must have dreamt 20 different scenarios where I was driving with my mom and I'd go to park and I would scrape the van along the vehicle in the next spot, or the guardrail or I'd hit the vehicle in front of me. Once, I remember getting out and looking at the bumper and it was clear and I said to my mom "Well at least it won't rust!". Very strange...maybe that's why I'm so tired...I'm working all night!

Now for the strangest thing of all. On Sunday, I was in the scrap room trying to relax and get rid of a headache before my parents came over when I got the shakes. I had scissors in my hand to cut out a stamped image and I had to stop. Every time I tried to do anything with any detail, my hands would shake. So, being the totally not serious person that I am I went outside to tell the hubby I felt strange. We joked and I stuck out my tongue - cause if you're having a stroke it would go sideways. I balanced on one foot too, but no problems...and I was obviously making full sentences. We eliminated a stroke as a possibility.

All in all though, it is just strange. How do you go the doctor though and say, I'm having headaches and I'm tired. He's going to tell me to get more sleep. So, for now I'm telling you all about it. I'm not worried, and it may just be allergies after all and it's just a really bad season for them. But at least now you can't say I never told you!

Oh yeah, and did I tell you that I made it to Wonderland! :)

I feel great!

So, hubby called me on my way to the gym last night, he was stuck at work. Normally, I would have abandoned the gym and run home immediately to stamp/scrap uninterrupted (the kids were having dinner with my parents). I fought the urge and went to the gym on my own. I did the glute program again, only Level 4 this time. Kept my speed at 3.5 mph, but incline went from 4% to 8%, gradually building as I went.

I sweated! Like soaking my shirt sweated. My glutes ached. It felt great! I can't wait to do it again on Saturday!

This is a Life Change

I went to the gym on Tuesday. I was so damned proud of myself! I got the kids in the daycare, they had their pepperoni and cheese and crackers and chocolate milk! I warmed up for 10 minutes on the track, then did treadmill for 45 minutes and cooldown on the track. I did the "Glute Buster" program, so speed stayed at 3.5 mph the whole time, but my incline fluctuated between 1% and 4.5% I was sweating by the end, but not so tired that I had jelly legs. :)

We're headed back to the gym tonight...and it's a darned good thing. I have had this craving for chocolate and yesterday I did something that I haven't done in a long time. I binged. One of the guys at the office was going to Burger King, 'cause it was Whopper Wednesday, so I got one of those. Damn, that thing was big...but I ate it. Then, when I went to the bank I managed to stop at the Dollarama and brought back to the office and consumed 2 King Size Reese Peanut Butter Cups, a Coffee Crisp Bar, a 99cent back of Lays chips and a bottle of Diet Pepsi...plus I ate 3 pepperoni sticks. All this in the space of an hour at my desk. Man, I felt like crap. I even thought about blogging about what a toad I am for doing that, especially the day after getting back on the treadmill.

Then, I calmed myself down and repeated what I keep telling my husband..."this is a life change, not a diet. " And so, I went home last night and had half a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup and then took my 6 year old to the driving range to hit some balls. Smaller dinner, a little exercise and a good nights sleep. Today is a new day. Just so you know, I've never actually admitted to being a binge eater before. Sometimes though, I surprise myself at the amount I can cram into my mouth when the mood is right. However, it happens less and less these days, which I guess is a good thing. Going to the gym with the hubby tonight, I would assume we'll do some weights. Hopefully I'll be able to limp to the computer and tell you how it went in the morning. LOL!

Have you been to Onederland?

So, I visited Onederland. Have you been? Perhaps you live there. The last time I visited Onederland, I was working with a trainer and getting ready to return to work full-time. Unfortunately, once I started back to work, and depression set in, I lost my free pass to get in and I haven't been back to Onederland since. So now, it's a scary place for me. There are a lot of expectations once I get there...expectations that I have placed on myself I guess. Once I get there, I never want to leave...it's where every woman should be...Onederland. I visited a few weeks ago, before life got crazy. I'm sure my pass has expired and I'll have to get a new one.

Onederland. I love the way it rolls off my tongue. As much as I love it, I'm scared of it too...cause if I make it and have to leave I'm so upset. It's almost like I need to be there for a few weeks before I will actually acknowledge that I'm there. And then, I have to work really hard not to sabotage my visit - see I still refer to it as a visit, when in fact, it is where I want to live forever, not just somewhere that I visit. Why is that I wonder. Why do I self sabotage? I know what needs to be done, I can do it and have done it in the past. Then, life happens and I give up. And honestly, it feels like I'm giving up. Take right now for instance. My body is craving...literally craving, a trip to the gym. I can close my eyes and see myself on the treadmill, with my headphones on, 6% incline, 3.5 mph, sweating a little bit. My thighs are burning, my calves are feeling it too. But, I get into the van and drive home instead. And then I feel guilty, so I eat the last of the chocolate chips that I've been hiding from the kids.

The self saboteur in me says it's cause I'm lazy. I'm too lazy to get together food for the kids to take to the gym (food that isn't considered a meal) so that I can go after work. Worst part is, I know that I could get my kids a bag of chips each from the vending machine and they'd be good until we got home...but what kind of mother does that make me? On the other hand, who cares? It's not like they eat that stuff all the time.

The self motivator in me says when I go to the bank for work, I should just stop by the grocery store and pick up some pepperoni and cheese sticks and a couple of oranges. That will keep the kids going until we get home. I'm not lazy. Last night we did 2 Hooked on Phonics Lessons, practiced Dictee for 15 minutes, gave 2 baths, cooked lunches for today (chicken & rice, yum,yum) and blog surfed for 30 minutes. A lazy woman would have let her kids stay dirty and done no homework! In reality, the only person I am accountable to is me. Rather than look at my goal as 50 lbs, I am going to approach it one small step at a time. June's Goal will be 195, safely in Onederland. Once I have reached that goal, I will set another. My daily goal will be to get to the gym and do at least 30 minutes on Elliptical and 15 on the Treadmill. My weekly goal is to get to the gym 2 more times after today. So there you have it, I've got a plan.

And, I've got a new ticker to keep me motivated!

Today is a Special Day.

I have been composing my blogs in Word and then copying them here....but then I don't post very often, so I'm going to try and post directly to my blog, and then updates/stories will be a little more frequent.

Today is a special day for a couple of reasons. First off, it is hubby's birthday. I won't tell you how old he is, just that on the downward slide toward 40. ;) Second, he's on the road today...but it's the last trip of the Spring, so he won't be working so much after today (he called around lunch to say he'd be home about 9pm, he left at 5:30 am so he won't even get the see the kids on his birthday). But, it's the last time, so we can handle it.

Yesterday I took the kids to buy hubby a birthday present while he was at baseball, they were all excited when we got in the van, and for most of the drive. That is, until we passed the gym. The girls thought we were headed to the gym, and boy were they bummed to find out we weren't going there. Imagine...I'm not the only one who misses going to the gym. So, I promised to take them next week (Tuesday is their regular night to go with us). My parent's have agreed to pick up an evening and they'll be taking the kids on Mondays and Thursdays for a little while so we're going to get back into the routine next week.

Things have been crazy busy here, this week brought many appointments (eyes, doctors, dentists) and everyone has received a clean bill of health. Plus, we're moving things around at the office, so a lot of "spring cleaning" going on. At home, our neighbors are having a yard sale and invited everyone to join them. I'm hoping to pull a few things out tonight after the kids are in bed, before hubby gets home. If people are already going to be in the neighborhood with money, I might as well have my stuff out there too.

I'll let you know how it goes.

The Road is Bumpy

Well, it’s been a few weeks since I hit the gym. I am totally out of the groove. I was getting into the groove and then we hit a bump in the road. Actually we hit a few bumps in the road. Let me explain.

There is something you need to know before I go any further here…my husband suffers from depression. It’s not anything that he’s ashamed of; it is what it is. His depression is something that we have been continually dealing with since we were married 7 years ago. He has been medication free for just over 6 months now. All that being said, medication does not cure the problem, only allows you to deal with the symptoms (my opinion anyway). This time of year is especially busy at work for my husband, not only because things are busy but because there is a lot of travel involved from middle of April to middle of June. This travel is usually only scheduled a few days in advance. Totally throws the schedule off…and if you aren’t good at handling stress or change then something like a lot of travel can totally throw a wrench in things. Travel in and of itself isn’t a bad thing…but when you’re driving a 5-tonne full of live animal to their destination and the days are 14 – 16 hours long and start at 5 am (which means he gets up at 3 am and leaves the house at 4am) things get a little rough. So, the hubby’s schedule would be bump in the road number one.

A few weeks back we managed to get the whole family to the gym in time for us adults to have a workout. Of course, things are busy and I left the office to pick up the kids, but forgot their dinner in the fridge at work. It wouldn’t be a big deal, except that I leave work at 5pm to pick up the little one at the sitter, then to pick up the big one at after-school care before 5:30. If everyone is on the ball and we don’t stop to talk to any other parents, we’re at the gym for 5:45 and working out at 6:00. Well, I forgot dinner, so a quick trip through the McDonald’s drive-thru and we were on our way to the gym. Bump in the road number two coming up. There was a new worker in the daycare and she informed us that the kids “aren’t allowed to have meals” at the daycare. Take a minute for that to sink in.

I understand that I was in the wrong for bringing McDonald’s (there were actually other children in the daycare this day, usually we’re the only one’s at dinner time). I queried what a “meal” was and she informed me that there was a list of recommended snacks on the door (we’re talking crackers and cheese etc.). Now, we’ve been going to this daycare for 6 years, and 2-3 times a week now for 5 months and in all that time no one has ever said anything about not having meals there. I’ve brought cut up chicken breast with salad dressing dip, jam sandwiches, muffins, and on Friday’s we always bring Wendy’s for the kids (but we’re ALWAYS the only kids on a Friday night). I was so taken aback that we had never been informed of this rule that we packed the kids to go. She offered for us to have them eat their dinner in the lobby – okay for the big kid who can suck it back, but how do you rush a 3 year old? She’d have been there for days with all the distractions. Nope, I packed the kids up and we went home.

When I queried our regular worker about the rule, she confirmed it, and now that the new girl has written about it in the “communication binder” they are going to have to stick to the rule. So, my jam sandwiches are “iffy” and it will depend on who is working. Excuse my language, but “I don’t have the f*ckin’ time to worry about who is working when I’m packing dinner at 7:30 in the morning!” Ugh! So, my stubborn self has been so put off by them about this issue, so we haven’t gone for a few weeks.

And the final bump is a little more serious. We have been pushing the school to test Daytona for dyslexia. We have a family history of learning disabilities on both sides and if there are any issues we want to “nip them in the bud” so to speak. Well, Daytona was tested. We weren’t given any warning and it turns out they did the test the day after her big exciting trip to Toronto with my mother. The trip where she left her at 4:30 am on Sunday and was up until almost 10pm that night, woke early Monday morning and was on the go until arrival at home by airplane at 11:30 Monday evening. She talked to me until 1 am and then got up at 7 am ready for school. I let her go, but with a note that if she got too tired to call me at work and I would pick her up. I didn’t get a call, but she told me all about how she played some games with a new teacher and how much her head was hurting…her first headache! Skip forward to May 28th and we are now meeting with the Learning Resources teacher, Daytona’s teacher and the Vice Principal. Daytona has tested in the 25th percentile…her scores were low average, with a few very low bringing her down to the 25th percentile.

I was shocked. I was going into the meeting prepared for them to tell me that I was on over concerned parent and that she’s doing fine. She’s in French immersion and is fairly fluent. She’s scoring 4 or 5 out of 5 on all her dictee and she’s writing full sentences in her journal just fine. Lots of reversed letters and numbers though. She loves math and science and is good at it. She can read a simple book once and most times recite it back to you. She’s like a sponge…talk science and she’s out telling everyone what she’s learned. On this test, she failed reading comprehension, did miserable on phonetic awareness and scored in the 1st percentile for simple math. Who did they test because it wasn’t my child!

So after many fights (it’s my fault because I wouldn’t let hubby force her to read her own bedtime stories at night) and the purchase of Hooked on Phonics for Kindergarten (I’m looking for the 1st Grade by the way) we have come to the conclusion that our daughter is a “rusher”. She’s happy to rush through her work and just get it done. She’s not overly concerned with neatness, or correctness, just that it is done. I am in complete denial that the child is as bad off as this assessment indicated. And, I think the Learning Resource teacher was confused as well. She did not recommend taking Daytona out of the French Immersion program (which is what I was worried about). We’re to take a “wait and see” approach. They won’t actually test her for learning disabilities until she is seven years old. So, she’s been flagged at the school and if the Learning Resource teacher has extra time she’ll try to work with Daytona.

At home, we’re doing Hooked on Phonics (HOP) every couple of nights. Daytona loves it. And, she’s flying through the lessons. The hubby and I have agreed (although he’s having some trouble backing off) that we’ll work through the HOP over the summer and get her to at least finish the first grade level, although I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re starting second grade level before the summer is out. We were told that reading skills are transferable between languages, so hopefully this will help with her French as well (although there were no indications that her French is below level).

So, if you’ve managed to read through all of that with me you’ll see why we haven’t made to the gym. On a positive note though, there has been no weight gained. The scale reads the same as it did on the long weekend. That’s awesome. I’m not in it just to lose weight…I’m in it to change my life. We’re hoping that things settle down a bit at home and we’ll be back in the gym next week a couple of time at least. With biking with the kids, and flying kits and setting of Vinegar and Baking soda rockets, we’re still getting cardio when we’re not at the gym. One day at a time…one foot in front of the other.