My 6 year old loves The Biggest Loser. You know, the TV Show. I use it as an opportunity to talk to her about weight issues, self-esteem and self-control. For example, last week, the contestants were given a “temptation”. There were 100 trays out, most with high fat snacks, some with gum and money, and just one with a golden ticket. The golden ticket was the power to have the only vote at that week’s weigh in. While we were watching the ensuing chaos, DD and I chatted about why it was disappointing that they were eating the food on the trays, what it meant in terms of their health, and why we shouldn't do that sort of thing in our every day lives. Once it was all finished and the golden ticket was found, I was happy that they showed the contestants feeling sick to their stomachs and looking a little green. DD and I talked about how a little bit is good, but too much can be bad for us.
So, this week was makeover week. I love this week. As anyone who’s had a weight problem will tell you, you can lose all the weight in the world, but if you don’t change what your mind sees, you’ll most likely gain it all back. I’m sure there is a study out there somewhere proving this. I know that I always see a size 10 girl in my mind, the one with long hair that’s kind of wavy with just the top bits pulled back with a barrette. Anyone who knew me in high school would recognize this image.
Problem is, I’m not a size 10. As long as I don’t look in a mirror I’m fine…my mind is confident in my looks. However, when I try on clothes at the store…somehow they never fit like they do in my mind. I think that I have the opposite problem from most people. I don’t spend hours or even days worrying about how much weight I have to lose. I have a healthy self-concept. The majority of women have a picture in their brain of a woman a few sizes larger than they are...at least I think they do, since I’m not in their head. (This would be a good time to leave me a comment and tell me what you think…when you close your eyes are you bigger or smaller?).
Anyway, it’s no secret that I have about 70 lbs to lose (20 lbs lost since May 2008, 70 to go). So, I’m no skinny mini. I watch The Biggest Loser for motivation…if they can work their butts off at that weight, I should be able to muster up enough energy for an hour on the treadmill! Last night was great. We got the see everyone all made over, makeup on, hair done, fancy clothes etc. They all looked great. It was a welcome change from the gym wear that we see in the in every week on the show. It was especially nice to see the starting photo beside the made over contestants.
So, there I was, crying because Mike and Ron looked so good, and the other son Max started to cry because now he’s the big guy, and he wants to lose weight too. It tugged at my heart strings. When Tara came out, I was just amazed. She has lost over 100 lbs and looks fantastic. DD took that moment to very nicely (with a child’s innocence) say “Mom, you should be on that show!” I cried harder. Sigh.
I could have had a lot of different responses to that one. I could have gotten angry at her for saying something hurtful or I could have chastised her for making a comment about my weight, but I didn’t. I took a deep breath and told that I’m working on it at home. We talked about how I’m going to the gym 5 days a week and we’re not eating out as much as we used to and how we’re all feeling better.
Then she said, “I meant to get a makeover and wear a fancy dress?!” :) God I love that kid!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
My name is Danielle and I am an addict
My name is Danielle and I am an addict. I had almost 10 weeks clean….10 WEEKS! But this past week has been so stressful, and I didn’t do all the things I know I should have done to keep myself on track. If I really am being honest, my slip started last week, in anticipation of the stressful week that was to come.
So two weeks ago now, it started like it always does. I say to myself, “I’ll just have a little something to get me through this next situation”, only there is always another situation. I’ve been dabbling in “the soft stuff” for those two weeks. Not every day, but just about. But on Thursday it all came to a head and I took a hit of the hard stuff. I had to make a conscious decision to do it. I actually sat in my van and thought about whether I should or not, and then I put it in drive and I drove. The whole time I was driving to get it, I knew it was wrong. I knew that I was stronger than this, that I could handle anything on my own. But, the devil on my shoulder kept beckoning, telling me it would just be this once, just to get me through today. When I got there, I greedily got the most I could afford. And then I pulled over in the parking lot, at the back, afraid that someone would see me. I held it in my hand, looked at it, felt it, smelled it and still knew it was wrong.
When I took the first hit, it stung the back of my throat…literally. God it felt good. My eyes watered a little and I actually felt myself relax a little. It wasn’t as intense as I remembered, but the feeling was the same. Escape…it made me feel good and in control. By the time I drove a few blocks, I could feel my headache start to disappear, and I thought to myself, “See, that wasn’t so bad for you.” By the time I got to work, it was all gone, but so was my headache. I took a few deep breaths and went into my office. Luckily, I have to walk past everyone, but I’m in the back corner, and no one really bothers with me unless they have a question. I sat at my desk, totally disgusted with what I had just done. 10 weeks of hard work and now I had to start from scratch. And I craved more. I can honestly say that if you had offered me more at that point, I would have taken it. I was still feeling the high. And then my tummy started to ache.
I sat at my desk feeling ashamed and broken. I had let myself down. And I kept thinking about he “if only’s.” You know; “If only I had gone to the gym, I would have felt better today. “ and “If only I had been more prepared” and “If only I had handled that situation better” and so on. But I didn’t, and now I’m here telling you about it.
Let me repeat, my name is Danielle and I am an addict. A food addict. That hit I took was of full strength Coke – all the sugar and calories that McDonald’s was willing to dish out. Are you upset that it’s “just pop”. Don’t be. For almost 6 months last year I lived on Pepsi…literally. I drank up to 2.5 litres a day, and ate very little food. It is what I used to help me cope with the sudden heart surgery my mom faced, and the addition responsibilities at work that came with her retirement, and that of my father very shortly after. I don’t do, and never have done illegal drugs. I don’t drink alcohol, not even socially. But I eat. And I used to drink Pepsi.
I’m proud to say that I have 1 day clean. And I’m looking forward to many more. I hope that you’ll come along for my journey. I don’t expect it to be easy or pretty, but a journey rarely is.
So two weeks ago now, it started like it always does. I say to myself, “I’ll just have a little something to get me through this next situation”, only there is always another situation. I’ve been dabbling in “the soft stuff” for those two weeks. Not every day, but just about. But on Thursday it all came to a head and I took a hit of the hard stuff. I had to make a conscious decision to do it. I actually sat in my van and thought about whether I should or not, and then I put it in drive and I drove. The whole time I was driving to get it, I knew it was wrong. I knew that I was stronger than this, that I could handle anything on my own. But, the devil on my shoulder kept beckoning, telling me it would just be this once, just to get me through today. When I got there, I greedily got the most I could afford. And then I pulled over in the parking lot, at the back, afraid that someone would see me. I held it in my hand, looked at it, felt it, smelled it and still knew it was wrong.
When I took the first hit, it stung the back of my throat…literally. God it felt good. My eyes watered a little and I actually felt myself relax a little. It wasn’t as intense as I remembered, but the feeling was the same. Escape…it made me feel good and in control. By the time I drove a few blocks, I could feel my headache start to disappear, and I thought to myself, “See, that wasn’t so bad for you.” By the time I got to work, it was all gone, but so was my headache. I took a few deep breaths and went into my office. Luckily, I have to walk past everyone, but I’m in the back corner, and no one really bothers with me unless they have a question. I sat at my desk, totally disgusted with what I had just done. 10 weeks of hard work and now I had to start from scratch. And I craved more. I can honestly say that if you had offered me more at that point, I would have taken it. I was still feeling the high. And then my tummy started to ache.
I sat at my desk feeling ashamed and broken. I had let myself down. And I kept thinking about he “if only’s.” You know; “If only I had gone to the gym, I would have felt better today. “ and “If only I had been more prepared” and “If only I had handled that situation better” and so on. But I didn’t, and now I’m here telling you about it.
Let me repeat, my name is Danielle and I am an addict. A food addict. That hit I took was of full strength Coke – all the sugar and calories that McDonald’s was willing to dish out. Are you upset that it’s “just pop”. Don’t be. For almost 6 months last year I lived on Pepsi…literally. I drank up to 2.5 litres a day, and ate very little food. It is what I used to help me cope with the sudden heart surgery my mom faced, and the addition responsibilities at work that came with her retirement, and that of my father very shortly after. I don’t do, and never have done illegal drugs. I don’t drink alcohol, not even socially. But I eat. And I used to drink Pepsi.
I’m proud to say that I have 1 day clean. And I’m looking forward to many more. I hope that you’ll come along for my journey. I don’t expect it to be easy or pretty, but a journey rarely is.
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