My name is Danielle and I am an addict

My name is Danielle and I am an addict. I had almost 10 weeks clean….10 WEEKS! But this past week has been so stressful, and I didn’t do all the things I know I should have done to keep myself on track. If I really am being honest, my slip started last week, in anticipation of the stressful week that was to come.

So two weeks ago now, it started like it always does. I say to myself, “I’ll just have a little something to get me through this next situation”, only there is always another situation. I’ve been dabbling in “the soft stuff” for those two weeks. Not every day, but just about. But on Thursday it all came to a head and I took a hit of the hard stuff. I had to make a conscious decision to do it. I actually sat in my van and thought about whether I should or not, and then I put it in drive and I drove. The whole time I was driving to get it, I knew it was wrong. I knew that I was stronger than this, that I could handle anything on my own. But, the devil on my shoulder kept beckoning, telling me it would just be this once, just to get me through today. When I got there, I greedily got the most I could afford. And then I pulled over in the parking lot, at the back, afraid that someone would see me. I held it in my hand, looked at it, felt it, smelled it and still knew it was wrong.

When I took the first hit, it stung the back of my throat…literally. God it felt good. My eyes watered a little and I actually felt myself relax a little. It wasn’t as intense as I remembered, but the feeling was the same. Escape…it made me feel good and in control. By the time I drove a few blocks, I could feel my headache start to disappear, and I thought to myself, “See, that wasn’t so bad for you.” By the time I got to work, it was all gone, but so was my headache. I took a few deep breaths and went into my office. Luckily, I have to walk past everyone, but I’m in the back corner, and no one really bothers with me unless they have a question. I sat at my desk, totally disgusted with what I had just done. 10 weeks of hard work and now I had to start from scratch. And I craved more. I can honestly say that if you had offered me more at that point, I would have taken it. I was still feeling the high. And then my tummy started to ache.

I sat at my desk feeling ashamed and broken. I had let myself down. And I kept thinking about he “if only’s.” You know; “If only I had gone to the gym, I would have felt better today. “ and “If only I had been more prepared” and “If only I had handled that situation better” and so on. But I didn’t, and now I’m here telling you about it.

Let me repeat, my name is Danielle and I am an addict. A food addict. That hit I took was of full strength Coke – all the sugar and calories that McDonald’s was willing to dish out. Are you upset that it’s “just pop”. Don’t be. For almost 6 months last year I lived on Pepsi…literally. I drank up to 2.5 litres a day, and ate very little food. It is what I used to help me cope with the sudden heart surgery my mom faced, and the addition responsibilities at work that came with her retirement, and that of my father very shortly after. I don’t do, and never have done illegal drugs. I don’t drink alcohol, not even socially. But I eat. And I used to drink Pepsi.
I’m proud to say that I have 1 day clean. And I’m looking forward to many more. I hope that you’ll come along for my journey. I don’t expect it to be easy or pretty, but a journey rarely is.