Have you been to Onederland?

So, I visited Onederland. Have you been? Perhaps you live there. The last time I visited Onederland, I was working with a trainer and getting ready to return to work full-time. Unfortunately, once I started back to work, and depression set in, I lost my free pass to get in and I haven't been back to Onederland since. So now, it's a scary place for me. There are a lot of expectations once I get there...expectations that I have placed on myself I guess. Once I get there, I never want to leave...it's where every woman should be...Onederland. I visited a few weeks ago, before life got crazy. I'm sure my pass has expired and I'll have to get a new one.

Onederland. I love the way it rolls off my tongue. As much as I love it, I'm scared of it too...cause if I make it and have to leave I'm so upset. It's almost like I need to be there for a few weeks before I will actually acknowledge that I'm there. And then, I have to work really hard not to sabotage my visit - see I still refer to it as a visit, when in fact, it is where I want to live forever, not just somewhere that I visit. Why is that I wonder. Why do I self sabotage? I know what needs to be done, I can do it and have done it in the past. Then, life happens and I give up. And honestly, it feels like I'm giving up. Take right now for instance. My body is craving...literally craving, a trip to the gym. I can close my eyes and see myself on the treadmill, with my headphones on, 6% incline, 3.5 mph, sweating a little bit. My thighs are burning, my calves are feeling it too. But, I get into the van and drive home instead. And then I feel guilty, so I eat the last of the chocolate chips that I've been hiding from the kids.

The self saboteur in me says it's cause I'm lazy. I'm too lazy to get together food for the kids to take to the gym (food that isn't considered a meal) so that I can go after work. Worst part is, I know that I could get my kids a bag of chips each from the vending machine and they'd be good until we got home...but what kind of mother does that make me? On the other hand, who cares? It's not like they eat that stuff all the time.

The self motivator in me says when I go to the bank for work, I should just stop by the grocery store and pick up some pepperoni and cheese sticks and a couple of oranges. That will keep the kids going until we get home. I'm not lazy. Last night we did 2 Hooked on Phonics Lessons, practiced Dictee for 15 minutes, gave 2 baths, cooked lunches for today (chicken & rice, yum,yum) and blog surfed for 30 minutes. A lazy woman would have let her kids stay dirty and done no homework! In reality, the only person I am accountable to is me. Rather than look at my goal as 50 lbs, I am going to approach it one small step at a time. June's Goal will be 195, safely in Onederland. Once I have reached that goal, I will set another. My daily goal will be to get to the gym and do at least 30 minutes on Elliptical and 15 on the Treadmill. My weekly goal is to get to the gym 2 more times after today. So there you have it, I've got a plan.

And, I've got a new ticker to keep me motivated!